This Morning

This morning as I rose out of bed a little blurry eyed. My daughter , who is the morning person in our house was already awake and ready to tell me about the crazy dream she had last night. As I listened and made my coffee she suddenly remembered that she needed to check her fairy garden and bounded outside to discover the gold glitter I had sprinkled along the path leading to the fairy house. Her face was full of delight and wonderment.
Shortly after that my son came down blurry eyed like me and gave me a hug to say good morning. He is so sweet and thoughtful.
My toddler shouted from her crib to be released. As soon as she was up she ran to me to babble about something important that I could mostly not fully understand. Then she forced her brother to get her a granola bar.
All of these morning moments are just small things, little moments of life. I am heartbroken all the same with how quickly time flies and will continue to fly. They grow up each day and I cannot do anything to stop it. I find myself being a blubbering sap when I grab their energetic bodies in my arms and command them to stop growing as they desperately wiggle to get free. It is such a treasure to watch your children learn and grow each day. To watch them become unique individuals, but this morning I wish I could encapsulate their youth. My only power is to write down these moments and treasure them in my heart.

Josephine

     When my husband and I were engaged, we had dreamed together about the family we would like to have. We wanted a boy and a girl (hopefully in that specific order). We even picked out the perfect names: Blesson and Abigail. As many young engaged couples do, we were just putting together a blurred vision of what we hoped our future would look like.

     About four years into our marriage we had our son, Blesson and three years later God gave us our daughter, Abigail. It was just liked we had planned.

     Then I thought, "Wow God you really did give us the desires of our hearts. Thank you. I'm done having children." 

A pastor friend of ours had shared a verse with us when we were in the hospital, 

Psalms 127:3 -5

"3Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth.

5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

They will not be ashamed

When they speak with their enemies in the gate."

    When he had prayed these verses over us, I had thought in my head, "Whoa, hold up! Two children is perfectly fine. I don't need a whole quiver, Lord."

    I did all the responsible things to make sure we wouldn't have any more children. In fact I was told that the choice I made would ensure that the likelihood of me not getting pregnant was 99.7%. God is in that .3%.

     Sure enough, one day I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant. I thought it was impossible. I was in complete disbelief. I really struggled with this unexpected news. I had just started a new career and didn't want to deal with the ailments that come with pregnancy. I wasn't ready for more sleepless nights, daycare expenses, diapers and being stuck at home with a baby. I cried for days and grieved for the loss of the plans I had laid out for the future. I also panicked. Suddenly the walls felt like they were closing in on me. Our house was too small, our car was too small, my paycheck was too small and, (as my belly grew) my pants were even too small. I also felt extreme guilt and shame for all of the emotions and thoughts I experienced, knowing that many women would be happy to find out they were pregnant. In the end, John and I decided to trust God.

     I went to my mother to tell her that I was pregnant. I could barely get the words out at first. Tears were streaming down my face when I told her I was pregnant, even though I was not planning it, even though I didn't want to be, even though I had no idea how I was going to make it all work out. My mother's concerned face turned into a slight smile as she threw her arms around me. 

     She said, "Oh honey, I felt the exact same way when I found out I was expecting you."

     A long time ago my parents had decided that two girls were just the right size for their family. My dad had gotten a vasectomy and their likelihood of getting pregnant was 99.7% as well... then 6 years later I showed up. 

     My mother said to me, "Just look at what we would have missed out on if we wouldn't have had you."

     In April 2016, our miracle baby was born. We named our daughter, Josephine which means "Jehovah increases", because God certainly increased the size of our family. Two years later I can tell you that God didn't just increase the size of our family. He increased our love, He increased our finances, and He increased our joy by ten-folds. We were humbled to learn that God's plans don't always match our own, but His plans are always good. 

Complex Love

When I was young,

I thought love was simple.

And it was.

I would meet a beautiful stranger,

They would make me see the world a little differently,

Or just make me laugh,

Suddenly I was madly in love with them.

It was a pure love,

One that did not require reciprocation,

Or even acknowledgment.

And I still love that way today-

I still fall for beautiful strangers.

But now I am married,

My heart committed to a man I know so well.

It is not a simple love.

It's as complex as both our souls.

It requires work, compromise, and humility.

Like a mirror, it reflects and magnifies my mistakes.

It challenges me in ways I never thought was possible.

In this deep complexity emerges that is greater than our individuals 

Our love is not simple,

But it is beautiful in its complexity.