Christmas Pasts: The Big Production

Christmas Eve,
The big production:
No scripts,
Ridiculous characters,
A suggested plot that was ever changing.
We would come up with the most outrageous stories.
Everyone had a part to play.
In a family with mostly girls,
Somehow I always got stuck with the boys part.
We would laugh like crazy,
As my uncle used an apron as a sleeping cap,
Or my grandfather gave me his golf club to use as a crutch.
My family was never shy of the lime light.
Afterwards we would go caroling or play outrageous games.
I always feel closest to my family, in the moments when we would share a good laugh.

Can love end?

I have this theory about break-ups:
When you love someone... I mean truly,
When you let them into your heart,
Even if the relationship doesn't work out,
The love never really ends.
You might not like who they are anymore.
You might not want to be around them.
But you will always want the best thing for that person.
Even when the best for them ends your relationship.

So I don't understand nasty break-ups.
How can love turn so volatile?
So violent and bitter?
If true love existed, how could it end?

I harbor no unresolved feelings for you, my past loves.
Your were bad for me and maybe I was bad for you.
I hurt you and you hurt me.
My heart broke, but there is no venom in my heart.
Despite your infractions and flaws,
That broken part of my heart won't let me hate you.

So... when love turns to hate, was it ever really love?

My Addiction

We all have an evil side to us,
The vice that keeps its grip on our hearts.
Sometimes I feel like the more I fight it,
The harder it is to resist...
My Addiction.
The dirty little thing,
I try so hard not to give in to.
The secret siren,
That calls to my heart.
It feels so good to give in to it.
But like an unruly lover,
It leaves me feeling...remorseful.

What is it about us humans?
Why can't we control ourselves?
My lovely addiction, is also my tormentor.
I... keep... saying... "no"...
Even though I desperately want to say "YES!"
The desire alone persecutes me to no end.
It mocks my resolve.
It reminds me of my humanity.

Our Great Adventure

Today I was thinking about a time,
When we used to sit in the book store,
Sipping coffee and quietly reading.
I'd share with you something I learned.
You would give me a funny line to laugh at.
That is how I envision us when we are older...
Except you'll be wearing reading glass,
And socks up to your knees.
My hair will be dusted with silver,
My voice will be weaker then before.

But right now, there's no time for sitting.
We are in the trenches of our great adventure.
Figuring out how to parent magnificent children.
Running around doing nothing at all.
It is exhausting and messy and wonderful.
I couldn't imagine a better team member.
We have just embarked on our great adventure.
And some day when we are sitting quietly reading...
I will smile to look back at our wild days.

Tangled Up

Tangled up,
A rolled up ball of arms and legs,
Breath and smiles.
It's strangely comfortable.
And in this moment,
I feel like we are one.
Green eyes... I love you.

When you are gone

I like to think I'm a strong, driven, self-sufficient woman.
I like to think I choose you out of desire not necessity.
But then you leave,
And suddenly I'm a hot mess.
My weaknesses seem glorified when you are gone.
I'm not half as good as I would like to be.
My dependence on you is magnified.

When you are gone,
I realize how much better you make me.

With you I am constantly getting better.
With you I am strong and driven.
With you I am all the things I want to be
You make even my weaknesses seem admirable.
You seem to cover my multitude of mistakes,
And pick up where I slack off.

When you are gone,
I am exposed.

My faults seem larger;
I feel like a smaller person,
When you are gone.
All the little things you do,
They suddenly seem important.
Who will carry me, my love,
When you are gone?

The Marshmallow You Didn't Expect

Bath night.
I come downstairs to make hot chocolate,
To warm your cold wet hands.
I swirl the chocolate in the pan of milk,
Drop one marshmallow in each cup,
And pour the hot goodness over top.

Little hands wrap carefully around your mug.
Slowly and quietly you sip the contents.
Content with a warm belly.
You tip back your mug,
Your mouth filling with the soft marshmallow.
Then you look up at me with a gooey smile.

It's the sweet surprise you didn't expect.
The bonus.
The moment of bliss.
From a marshmallow at the bottom of your cup.