Sunday, June 16, 2013

Dancing with my Father

My father is a quiet, contemplative soul,
He taught his three daughters to be independent.
He taught us that our most beautiful asset is our ability to think for ourselves.

My father is loving but shy.
I always felt closest to my dad in our quiet conversations.
Some of my favorite memories with my father are on the dance floor.

On the dance floor my father transforms,
He moves his hips, spins and twirls,
His eyes widen as he sings his favorite line from the song.
He wraps his huge hands around mine and we take off in his own artistic expression.

I love watching my parents dance together,
They laugh and smile,
They move as one, they seem so in love.
But every now and then my dad would stop dancing with my mother;
He would reach out his hand to me and we would dance.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Growing Up

As I gain more and more experience,
I become more and more aware of the evil in the world.
I used to think that every person wanted to be good.
The older I get the more I realize that we all have the ability to do evil.
Not only the ability, but we all have the desire.

Even more startling to me is my own lack of justice.
My own evil.
I was not aware of its existence when I was younger.
But the evil is inside of me and it lashes out tenaciously at times.
I try to suppress it, but I can no longer deny its presence.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

It is enough

Sometimes when I feel like the whole world is cruel and selfish.
Sometimes when I feel like everyone has a hidden agenda,
Everyone is seeking more power, more control.
Than I think of you and the love you have for me.
It is simple and true.
It is my cornerstone.
I know you better than I know anyone,
And I know your sweet soul.
It is enough.
I don't need more.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Being Bad

Tonight I had to punish my son. As I squatted down to explain to him why his actions led to certain consequences, he tearfully exclaimed, "I want to be a good boy. I want to make good choices."

In theory it is really simple: Make good choices, and you get good results. Make bad choices and you get bad results. Is it ever that easy? It doesn't matter if you are 4 or 40; we all struggle to do the right thing. Sometimes being bad is way more fun. Sometimes good guys finish last.

As much as I would like to say I am a crusader for good. As much as I would like to think that I am a person of high integrity, there is a part of me that wants to be bad. I don't always want to be a good girl; I don't always want to make good choices. A lot of times the only thing stopping me from being terrible, is my fear of the consequences. I wish I was more noble than that.

Make bad choices and you get bad results. I used to think it was just that simple, but sometimes I wonder.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Begin Present

How can I stay present when the past keeps turning up in my thoughts? I wish I wasn't so flighty sometimes. I wish I bounced back beter from my mistakes instead of tormenting myself with them continually. I beat myself up. I think about what I should have done. I am really horribly harder on myself than any one else in my life.

How do I stop this chain of abuse? I want to live in the moment, not being oblivious to the wake my actions caused... but mindful of where I am going more than where I have been. How do people live lives without regrets, shrug off mistakes, move on as if nothing happened? In some ways I think it is horrible that they can do this, but in other ways I secretly wish I had that ability. How do I strike a balance between learning from my errors and moving on?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Dream World of Your Love

Our love is something like a tree,
It grows ever so slowly,
It gives me shaded security.
A stable point to mark my way.
It is so much a part of my life, that I hardly think of it.
It exists: like gravity, like life.
But it is far more beautiful,
Far more erotic.

I have been in the dream world of your love for so long,
I forget what it is like outside.
The sweet smell of the air here,
I can breathe it in deep gulps.
I am at peace and restful,
My body is warm and free.
Naked, I can sleep peaceful in your shaded security.

The past world I lived in seems like a distant memory.
So even as our love grows deeper,
Sometimes I forget it exists.
It isn't something we always purposefully acknowledge.
When I look at you...
And truly see you...
I am reminded of the power of our love.
It grows stronger, deeper, taller everyday.
It isn't as obvious as it used to be: but it is strong.

This is what I want:
That our love grows so strong,
It becomes so consuming,
That acknowledging it's presence,
Would be like taking in the entire sky.
Our hearts would be full of this huge love,
It would seep into others, and here we would lay,
Resting comfortably in its branches.

"I say this is a wild dream—but it is this dream I want to realize. Life and literature combined, love the dynamo, you with your chameleon's soul giving me a thousand loves, being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. In the mornings, continuing where we left off. Resurrection after resurrection. You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself the more you want me, need me. Your voice getting hoarser, deeper, your eyes blacker, your blood thicker, your body fuller. A voluptuous servility and tyrannical necessity. More cruel now than before—consciously, wilfully cruel. The insatiable delight of experience."

-Henry Miller