Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Pasts: The top of the stairs

Early in the morning,
My sisters woke me up.
It was still a little dark out.
The three of us sat on the very top step.
Waiting in our pajamas,
Until Mom and Dad woke up and let us go downstairs.

My parents bedroom door creaked open...
Then in a dangerous thunder of skinny legs and elbows,
We stampeded down the stairs.
I don't remember half of what I got.
But I remember sitting on that step with my sisters,
The feeling in my heart of anticipation.
The camaraderie we felt.
The time I spent with my family,
That was the real magic of it all.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Christmas Pasts: The Big Production

Christmas Eve,
The big production:
No scripts,
Ridiculous characters,
A suggested plot that was ever changing.
We would come up with the most outrageous stories.
Everyone had a part to play.
In a family with mostly girls,
Somehow I always got stuck with the boys part.
We would laugh like crazy,
As my uncle used an apron as a sleeping cap,
Or my grandfather gave me his golf club to use as a crutch.
My family was never shy of the lime light.
Afterwards we would go caroling or play outrageous games.
I always feel closest to my family, in the moments when we would share a good laugh.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Can love end?

I have this theory about break-ups:
When you love someone... I mean truly,
When you let them into your heart,
Even if the relationship doesn't work out,
The love never really ends.
You might not like who they are anymore.
You might not want to be around them.
But you will always want the best thing for that person.
Even when the best for them ends your relationship.

So I don't understand nasty break-ups.
How can love turn so volatile?
So violent and bitter?
If true love existed, how could it end?

I harbor no unresolved feelings for you, my past loves.
Your were bad for me and maybe I was bad for you.
I hurt you and you hurt me.
My heart broke, but there is no venom in my heart.
Despite your infractions and flaws,
That broken part of my heart won't let me hate you.

So... when love turns to hate, was it ever really love?

Friday, October 19, 2012

My Addiction

We all have an evil side to us,
The vice that keeps its grip on our hearts.
Sometimes I feel like the more I fight it,
The harder it is to resist...
My Addiction.
The dirty little thing,
I try so hard not to give in to.
The secret siren,
That calls to my heart.
It feels so good to give in to it.
But like an unruly lover,
It leaves me feeling...remorseful.

What is it about us humans?
Why can't we control ourselves?
My lovely addiction, is also my tormentor.
I... keep... saying... "no"...
Even though I desperately want to say "YES!"
The desire alone persecutes me to no end.
It mocks my resolve.
It reminds me of my humanity.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Our Great Adventure

Today I was thinking about a time,
When we used to sit in the book store,
Sipping coffee and quietly reading.
I'd share with you something I learned.
You would give me a funny line to laugh at.
That is how I envision us when we are older...
Except you'll be wearing reading glass,
And socks up to your knees.
My hair will be dusted with silver,
My voice will be weaker then before.

But right now, there's no time for sitting.
We are in the trenches of our great adventure.
Figuring out how to parent magnificent children.
Running around doing nothing at all.
It is exhausting and messy and wonderful.
I couldn't imagine a better team member.
We have just embarked on our great adventure.
And some day when we are sitting quietly reading...
I will smile to look back at our wild days.

Tangled Up

Tangled up,
A rolled up ball of arms and legs,
Breath and smiles.
It's strangely comfortable.
And in this moment,
I feel like we are one.
Green eyes... I love you.

Monday, September 17, 2012

When you are gone

I like to think I'm a strong, driven, self-sufficient woman.
I like to think I choose you out of desire not necessity.
But then you leave,
And suddenly I'm a hot mess.
My weaknesses seem glorified when you are gone.
I'm not half as good as I would like to be.
My dependence on you is magnified.

When you are gone,
I realize how much better you make me.

With you I am constantly getting better.
With you I am strong and driven.
With you I am all the things I want to be
You make even my weaknesses seem admirable.
You seem to cover my multitude of mistakes,
And pick up where I slack off.

When you are gone,
I am exposed.

My faults seem larger;
I feel like a smaller person,
When you are gone.
All the little things you do,
They suddenly seem important.
Who will carry me, my love,
When you are gone?

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Marshmallow You Didn't Expect

Bath night.
I come downstairs to make hot chocolate,
To warm your cold wet hands.
I swirl the chocolate in the pan of milk,
Drop one marshmallow in each cup,
And pour the hot goodness over top.

Little hands wrap carefully around your mug.
Slowly and quietly you sip the contents.
Content with a warm belly.
You tip back your mug,
Your mouth filling with the soft marshmallow.
Then you look up at me with a gooey smile.

It's the sweet surprise you didn't expect.
The bonus.
The moment of bliss.
From a marshmallow at the bottom of your cup.

Friday, August 24, 2012

My Little Lady

My little lady,
Aint she sassy?
My little lady,
Knows what she wants.

My little lady,
Can't take my mind off her.
My little lady,
Captured my heart.

Her head smells like sunshine,
Her eyes are clear blue watery pools.
Her smile makes my heart dance,
Her laugh is uniquely nerdy; I cherish the sound.

I could kiss her head all day.
I could hold her all night.
She's my little lady,
For now...she's all mine.

Friday, July 13, 2012

The Best Gift

One of the greatest gifts I have gotten from my children is an appreciation of time. Sometimes I look back at my pre-parent life and wonder what I did with all my spare time. When I get a few moments away from my kids, its a carpi diem moment.
"These are my minutes! What shall I do with them?" I exclaim.
And as a working mother, the moments I have with my kids are equally treasured and exciting. Watching them grow reminds me daily that time passes by so quickly and you can never get it back. So what a gift I have- time today...
And what will I do with it?
Kiss my girl on the top of the head, smell that vanishing baby smell. Giggle with my son and roll on the floor, sneaking in cuddles when I can. Read the best books to my son a hundred times. Sing songs and make up the lyrics. Spend some quality time talking with my best friend. Play tennis. And in those sweet moments of solitude, maybe I'll get to read a book, or cook, or paint, or garden....

Friday, June 8, 2012

Truly Blessed

"I could hold you in my arms, I could hold you forever."
The singer repeated as I held you and swayed.
We were surrounded by dancers.
Mothers with sons,
Fathers with daughters,
Each of us holding someone we cared for,
Each swaying to the same love song.
And every one I saw was someone whom I loved.
We were all dancing one dance.
I looked into your eyes and said,
"We are truly truly blessed."
We were blessed to be in the presence of true love.
True family.
To be sharing one song, one dance, one moment,
with not just one but many.
If only I could hold this moment in my arms forever.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I came across this poem which I wrote very close to my due date and thought it was worth posting now:

Waiting is hard.
Not being able to control the outcome, the timing.
To simply wait in's challenging.
I want to be able to do something to speed time along.
I'd like to just "know" what was going to happen and when.
Instead I am powerless.
It is not my nature to be passive about life.
But there is no person I can incessantly bother,
There are no tasks I can do to bring me closer.
I have to just surrender to waiting.
It's the submissiveness that really gets to me.
I must resolve to accept what comes.

- Corazon Aquino

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Little Mystery

It seems like every day you are growing up,
Every time I see you,
You look older,
Or you are doing something new.
Slowly you are unveiling the person you will become.
It's a crazy phenomenon,
As a mother, I know you like no other.
We shared my body for some time.
I share my arms, my breasts and my smiles with you.
Yet you are still a mystery to me.
I observe you carefully.
I use my best detective skills,
Trying to discover your personality.
Even so... I feel like I'm just guessing.
But I know that you are lovely.
And I don't have to wonder about this.... I love you.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Moment of Blessing

Parenting a three year old can be frustrating.
My son can be very trying, but everyday he blesses me...

Today was cold and rainy.
As my son was playing on our living room carpet,
I slipped upstairs to rock my baby daughter to sleep.
The rain made a hushing sound that seemed to sooth both of us.
As we rocked, I closed my eyes to relax.
Suddenly I heard foot step coming up the stairs.
It was the sound only a person with small legs and toddler feet could make.
My face grimaced as I thought of the disruption that would surely ensue.
My baby would start to cry all over again.

The door to the nursery opened and my son slipped in.
He carefully walked up to me and handed me the babies pacifier.
"Thank you" I whispered.
"You're welcome" he said so softly.
Then he turned around and walked out the door carefully closing the door behind him.
In that moment he seemed much older to me.
It was as if I caught a glimpse of the man my son would become...
Someone who was caring and responsible.
He somehow reminded me that he is growing up well.
I took comfort in this reminder...
This small moment of blessing.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What I've Always Wanted

Sometimes you need to lose something to realize how important it was to you.
Sometimes you never know how badly you wanted something until you have it.
I have always been a guys-girl and so I naturally thought that raising boys was my lot in life.
When I had a son, it just felt natural. I understand boys... building blocks, dinosaurs, wrestling... those were my favorite things growing up.
Then I was laying on the ultrasound table again,
Waiting to see the shape my family would take.
When they told me "It's a girl!" a feeling rose from my heart into my throat.
The joy I felt at that moment paralyzed me. I tried so hard to say something... To react to the situation, but all I could manage was tears.
My husband asked, "Are you okay?"
But the happiness wouldn't let up. I barely managed a nod, let alone an explanation.
And so I knew her name had to be Abigail which means "Brings Joy".

Now this little woman is in my life. Her big blue eyes are mesmerizing. Her smile is contagious.
I am the privileged mother who gets to watch her grow up.
I get to guide her and love her and even fight with her, I'm sure.
I am faced with the daunting task of showing her what it means to be a strong woman:
To be a free thinker,
To stand up for yourself,
To always do good.
It is a massive responsibility, but I am ready for the challenge.
After all- this is what I always wanted- even though I just realized it.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Feeling Nostalgic

Nostalgia is creeping into my mind,
Reminding me of simpler times.
A time when love was all I needed.

I'm thinking about your hand in mine.
I'm pondering those quiet exchanges.
It's funny how real it all still feels.

The past can seem brighter in memory.
Those day weren't always so sunny,
But then, I had nothing much to lose.

Progression has a way of weighing us down.
Success can shake your confidence.
And here I am with everything I had wanted.

Still I'm thinking of the simple days,
When I didn't know the world's ways.
I have it all... except that sweet simplicity.